For some people, you may not be able to understand my point of view...but if you're a recent grad, you're going through the same transformation probably. I'm not sure because obviously each person has different approaches to dealing with situations. I guess this is my way of going through the growing up/moving along stage. Am I really doing this transformation? I'm not sure but I think this weekend helped me realize I do need to move along. As noticed from a previous entry, I've felt a little down....and I think I'm starting to get the reasoning for this. Many of my friends that have just graduated are going through the same feelings (at least it seems). It's not that I'm depressed...its more of confusion with what to do next. I mean for the first time in my life I have nothing planned as in a roadmap for the future. Yes I do have a job but now what? I'm in a whole new situation with a whole new supporting cast. And that may be the problem...who is my supporting cast? Who can I count on to be there for me? I'm just in a confusion state of sorts...and that's something I am not used to. Hopefully recognizing this is the first step to starting my new life...my new life as a working girl in the city. Don't worry though...its not as though I'm throwing away my past, just using it as a building block to the next step...whatever that may be/bring. I admit...I don't know the answers for once. I don't want to leave the past behind but I also don't want to continue to live in the past. I want to figure out who I am and what I want to be.
The past few months have just been incredibly stressful/exciting/life altering....I've gone from getting a job to finding my first apartment to graduating from college to working full time in less than 4 months. I don't think anyone can teach how to deal with this type of change...though it would be nice;-) It finally has all caught up with me how fast things go and I think that is why I've felt down and a bit sad.
So this weekend I went to PSU for the game and to visit the remaining crew up there....either there for masters, super senior or seniors this year. I've also been reading a book my roommate has given me...kinda about women in their 20s and the different scenarios that they go through...sorta a chicken soup for the soul but a lot more advice given then stories. It's weird but it opened my eyes to a lot of things that I need to change in my life. Maybe not need to (because what does one NEED? more like want...).....but anyway I digress. I talked with my friend during the car ride to PSU I want to change into the person I can be....23, a single person living in Manhattan. What that means...at least under my terms....
- have the look of a 23 year old in Manhattan (this does not mean I have to look like everyone else but at least not look suburban anymore!) I know my roommate has been trying to help me with that...but I really have not done my part to help with this transformation. I need to wake up and do this for ME....not for manhattan, my roommate or anyone else in my life but ME! This won't be an overnight thing but hopefully I can do this over the next few months....?
- Become more independent. This seems easy but that it is not. I'm the baby in the family and my mom is a very strong willed person as anyone that has met her knows. While its great she is strong, it is also bad in a way. It makes it much more difficult for her to realize that I need to learn from my own mistakes and start beating to my own drum more. I talked to my dad about this today and he seemed to totally understand.... We'll see how this goes but I know this will be tough...I tried to start today and my mom just got angry at me. I don't want her to be mad at me but realize that I need to do my own thing. She needs to know that I realize she is there when I need her but I'm growing up now.
- Fiscally independent. I've started this one but need to continue to push this. I already have started mostly doing this but I need to continue to push this.
- Become more outgoing. I need to gain some guts and just talk to people. With 8 million people, there's people waiting to meet me, right?
Now that I've explained what I want to do...I think some explanation is needed on how I arrived at this conclusion. This weekend Penn State was a good thing for me. It was a way for me to close one chapter in my life and move on. I had a great 4 years at Penn State...but that's not my life anymore. I'm a working girl in Manhattan now.
I got there and it immediately dawned on me how young everyone seemed. I mean the freshmen are 18 and I'm 23! That felt really weird. It just felt weird in general....I felt like though I was around the same age as my friends I just didn't fit that well into there anymore. Instead of talking about how to get everything done and work, everyone was talking about what classes they were taking and stuff. That was just weird. I don't think words can justify the feelings I felt this weekend but I'm trying. I just felt a change. I felt like "its nice to visit here but I don't think I can live here anymore." I hope that didn't come out as snotty as it may appear...because its not meant to. It's meant to say its time to move on. Now I just need to do more than just feel the change....MAKE the CHANGE!
For now I'm giong to keep on moving...
"Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down, oh no
I got to keep on moving
Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground, oh no
I got to keep on moving"
-Matthew Wilder-Break my Stride
That's my "theme song" right now